One year ago today...

I was in the hospital, getting ready to head into the birthing tub... My, how time flies! I swear it was just yesterday I was in there, thinking I couldn't do it, how it was too sudden, and too soon, feeling elated that I would still be able to have the tub birth I'd dreamed of, even though my other hopes of going naturally had been dashed. That week was such a roller coaster. Knowing I was being induced, but not when. Finding out when I was going, then realizing just how much was still left to do. I had a baby shower that weekend, I had stuff to buy, and I had to go to the hospital the next day!

Then, at 2:30 am Tuesday morning, only 9 hours after my water was broken, Kaiden Reese entered this world.

It's been a roller coaster, and a year full of learning, admitting mistakes, growing up, and realizing just what love means. It's been crazy, depressing, and even downright awful at times, but I wouldn't trade it for the world! Seeing his first smile, his first laugh, his milk drunk smile as he falls asleep nursing, and hearing the word "mama" come out of his mouth for the first time. Nothing in the world is better than that, and it makes any bad day so, so worth it. I wouldn't wish for anything else.

Pregnant in America

I found this trailer while doing some late-night surfing on the Pin. I can't wait for this documentary to come out, it looks amazing! I think it should be required viewing for all women! It comes at the perfect time too, on a night when I've been sitting up thinking about things I wish had been different with K's birth.

Near the end of my pregnancy, I'd been dealing with a lot of itching. Turns out it was due to Cholestasis, which affects the flow of bile in the gallbladder. Because of this, I was not allowed to go to term. Within a week of receiving the diagnosis, an induction was scheduled, and my hopes of a natural waterbirth had all but vanished.

Thankfully my body did start to progress really well once my water was broken, and I never needed pitocin. My midwife Ellie, from Back Cove Midwives, was wonderful, and she allowed me to have my water birth.

Regardless, I still feel like I was robbed. I want nothing more than to be able to go into labor naturally, and progress at home. If I lived closer to a birth center or hospital, I would love to be able to home birth. But because of a silly liver problem, that only happens during pregnancy, I may never be able to experience that. And depending on which study you look at, the recurrence rate is anywhere from 40 to 80% in subsequent pregnancies.

I shouldn't feel bad, really... I *was* still able to have him somewhat naturally, with no pain medication, and in a tub like I really wanted. I didn't have to have a cesarean, and I am so thankful for that. I just wish that some day, when we have our next child, I can go into labor the way nature intended, not forcefully by medication and a pointed stick.